Do you fall into the people pleasing trap?

May 8th, 2008 • Related • Filed Under

I have been thinking about this for a while. I wonder how much trying to please people really gets in the way of creating the practice we really want. What do you think?

Do you fall into this trap? Perhaps you take on clients because they came from a trusted referral - even though they may not be the best choice of client - because you don’t want to offend the referral source? Just maybe you sometimes work hours you’d rather not and then resent it just a bit? Do you ever reduce your fee when you’d rather not?

I think this weekend I fell into that trap. I presented at a statewide conference of therapists. I had so much fun! We talked about possibilities and the importance of creating your private practice vision. We talked about how the internet will be the number one way you will attract clients in the next decade. We talked about money, intake call scripts, and website text. We had a wonderful mix of students and some clinicians licensed over 20 years.

I so wanted everyone to have a good time and get what they needed. It was very important to me.

Well, you know how sometimes things don’t always go as planned? First, the projector wires went in and out so the Power Point was intermittently lost. I fixed it once and then we had the AV guy fix it but then it went out again. I decided to “let go” of the Power Point and speak from my heart. (Which wasn’t in exactly the same order as the Power Point handouts.)

I was a little rattled by the projector problems. But what was important to me was that people got what they needed from the day. There were so many questions that I skipped lunch to answer questions. Then when we had “biological” breaks in the afternoon, I didn’t leave. I stayed in the room and answered questions. I so wanted the presentation to have meaning - I wanted to make a difference. To that end, I wanted to be as available as I could to the participants.

When 5:15 came and the people left (and before I finally hit the ladies room,) I took a glance at the feedback forms. Almost all were very good. Many had comments about how refreshing my ideas are - when all they were hearing from other therapists was about how they couldn’t make a living in this field. It felt good to read those comments.

But of course there were a couple who weren’t happy with me. One said I said “nothing” for five hours…that I didn’t answer questions fully. It went on for a full page and spoke of how bad everything was - all the things I did wrong.

I would love to say it didn’t bother me. It did. But it was also, what I call, a “gift in dirty paper.” And for that gift, I am very grateful.

It reminded me that I can only be my best when I come from a centered place. I didn’t take good care of myself that day. I tried so hard to make sure people were pleased, that I ended up not caring for myself. I won’t make the mistake again. (And of course if I do, please remind me!!)

So, as I said, I send a big “thank you” to the person who sent in that comment. It will be one that reminds me take better care of myself in the future. And as I do so, I hope to be of more meaningful service to you.

Do you find yourself trying hard to please, knowing that it is impossible to please everyone but trying anyway? Or are you better at taking care of yourself? Please share your thoughts below under comments.

Love and blessings,

Casey

There Are 12 Responses So Far. »

Comment by Brenda Corderman, LMFT on 8 May 2008:

Hi Casey
Thanks for sharing so openly about your experience in ‘people pleasing’. I’m processing and seeking clarity on mine, as well, and I was merely a participant, not a presenter!
I shared about the conference dynamics to a trusted colleague who said, “Wow, it sounds like it was one of those weekend marathons of the past where everyone left exhausted!” Yeah.
Although I wasn’t in your class, I caught a glimpse of you afterward, busy as usual. Good job on making it through, and thank G-d you weren’t perfect. It is others’ imperfections that I truly learn. Your newsletter and disclosure could not have come at a better time for me!
Take good care, Casey.
Brenda
Comment by James on 8 May 2008:

Dear Casey,

Overwhelmingly good reviews that provide specific information about what you did right would seem to outweigh the one or two “gloomy guses” who panned your presentation. Nice that you made lemonade out of lemons, but give yourself some credit; the reality is that, even had you “taken better care of yourself” that day, it probably wouldn’t have resulted in 100% good reviews. Do you really “need” 100% good reviews? Might you still be trying to please “everyone” by “taking care of yourself” better next time? If everyone in the room had given you bad reviews that day, it wouldn’t have been personally relevant, because accolade, success, and worth are not equivalent. I suggest the room for improvement lies with the attitudes of the bad reviewers! Don’t change what worked for most attendees to try to please the few! Trust your instincts! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! If something doesn’t work, do something different! If it works, do more of it! Good Luck!
Comment by Rhonda on 8 May 2008:

One rule of thumb I try to remember is that people who focus entirely on criticism say more about themselves than the person they are judging. Conversely, people who make a practice of seeking out the good in life also say something about themselves. You have made a difference in my life by your positive approach, and I thank you for it.
Comment by Ann Kramer on 8 May 2008:

Casey,

First of all, I am sorry that happened for you. Sometimes it’s a lesson we have to learn over and over, as some lessons seem to go for us. I just wanted to remind you that very few people are offering what you offer to therapists, and it is so badly needed. I for one, was giving your name to people in several conversations as someone who is making a difference for us and providing a guiding light in the darkness of how to find our way in the private practice worls.

There will always be someone who doesn’t like us, no matter how hard we try. And the harder we try, some will like us even less.

You do great work!
Ann
Comment by Ann Gertano on 8 May 2008:

Do I try to be a people pleaser? Absolutely. To an unhealthy extreme? Perhaps occasionally. I come from a long career in the business world and am a wife and mother. I this field our job is to help people heal, grow and enjoy rich and fulfilling relationships. We absolutely are people pleasers. This is part of what makes us successful at what we do. Personally, it is important to me to be aware and to accept that, as you said, it can’t always be done and after having gleaned whatever I can,let it go.
All the Best, Ann
Comment by Lori on 8 May 2008:

Yes there are those people who must project their own feelings of failure or self criticism. But I agree that if we value ourselves through self care (vs. people pleasing) and stay centered maybe we won’t buy in as much.
Comment by USMThx on 8 May 2008:

Hi Casey,

I was at the conference and you were amazing. I’m an intern and very excited about starting my practice. Thank you for being so thorough and inspiring!

And I will remind you to take a break next time.
Comment by Michael G. on 9 May 2008:

Hello. I have been unable to attend your training, with a 5 1/2 mo. old baby girl and my wife at home. I am thoroughly guilty of trying to please everyone else, and as such, have a lot to learn about promoting my practice and keeping my fee at a reasonably higher standard than I used to. I have even started a blog to try for a different source of income by promoting other sites on it. I am in the throes of reading your book while sleep-training and working 8-4 m-fri w/ my small growing practice at night. I for one appreciate your efforts to change the relationship with money. Take criticism from others with a grain of salt, always! And keep up the great work! I for one appreciate it!
Comment by Deborah Dowse Runyeon on 16 May 2008:

Great article - and reminder, Casey. I resonated with the self-care piece, with which I struggle. But also the speaking from the heart. Have you heard of Speaking Circles? You may check it out at http://www.speakingcircles.com (I have done 2 Speaking Quests). Great for self awareness and self confidence while speaking. It incorporates self-care. But then, what couldn’t be related to self-care?
Comment by Joyce Lauterback on 18 May 2008:

Hi Casey,
This is a late post as I am catching up tonight. I attended your presentation and enjoyed it. I look forward to participating in your 4 day in June. I have been a college level professor for 10 years and it never fails that no matter how many students give me a great evaluation at the end of the semester, there is always that one or two who claim they got absolutely nothing from my class. While I agree that self care is critical especially during an all day presentation, I have learned that you will never please everyone. And that it is not necessarily a gift when they criticize. I have learned that no matter how much you put out there will always be one person who is not appreciative or “pleasable”!
Comment by Teresa Gaffin-Hall on 14 June 2008:

Your story just helped me figure out why I’m feeling drained right now after leading a 4-hour “Integrative Awareness” workshop for therapists today. The “people-pleaser” had a fear of rejection that made me give more than I got back, causing the energy drain. I learned my lesson to know that what I have to give is valuable and that my own fear is the culprit to beware of. “The only thing to fear is fear itself.”
Comment by dinesh on 21 August 2008:

Sometimes we want approval from others so badly, we say or do anything to please them. Other times we feel inside we are the screwup, the perpetual screwup, and we need to turn ourselves inside out to make people stay with us, love us, want us.
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Dinesh

Addiction Therapy